Couples come into counseling for a variety of reasons. Most of the time, even if they come in for something else, their main problem is because they’re having trouble communicating. So how to get past that? By understanding that everyone communicates differently. By being open and receptive. By truly hearing each other when we speak.
It was my third couples therapy session with Tracey and Sam. Both divorcees in their mid-sixties, they had been dating for almost two years.
“He never tells me how he feels about… anything,” Tracey said, sounding discouraged. A few tears trickled out of her eyes. Sam sighed, then responded, “I am telling you how I feel. You’re not listening.”
This turned out to be Tracey and Sam’s largest hurdle. When I watched them interact, I noticed that Tracey felt Sam wasn’t expressing himself. Additionally, she complained that when he did express himself, it was usually anger at her for not “listening.” This is a common dynamic between men and women. Let’s look at why.
Biology Doesn’t Define Us
It’s often assumed that gender differences in self expression have to do with biology: men are rational and women are emotional. This is too simplistic. In fact, some men are expressive and emotional (as women are commonly thought to be), and some women are less emotional and more guided by rationality (as men are assumed to be).
Self Expression Is All About Socialization
The differences between genders is more likely a result of socialization. It wasn’t that Sam didn’t convey his feelings; it was the subtlety in his expression that made it seem as if he wasn’t sharing. Sam expressed his emotions; Tracey just didn’t know how to hear him.
Boys are socialized to be less emotional. That doesn’t mean they don’t feel emotions deeply. Rather, they tend to learn early on not to be overly expressive. Women have the reverse situation: it’s not only acceptable for them to be emotional; they are commonly expected to be expressive.
Men are also reared to be less vulnerable. Over time, as young men age, guarding against vulnerability feels natural. Additionally, when men do express thoughts and feelings, women often expect a more obvious display of emotion. Women don’t understand the emotions men express, because they are too understated. This causes stress in relationships.
Labeling Our Emotions
Emotions don’t have words. We learn how to label emotions by interacting with others. It starts from the time we’re born. For example, a parent sees their toddler trying to fasten a button; the child is having difficulty. The parent recognizes their child is frustrated through their body language and facial expression. They say, “You feel frustrated.” This is how the toddler learns that what they feel in their body (the emotion) is called frustration.
A baby smiles and a parent says, “You feel happy.” A baby skins her knee and a parent responds, “Ouch. That hurts.” These interactions teach us what these feelings mean, and how to label our emotions. If we don’t learn this, all we have are physical sensations — often times very uncomfortable ones — with no words to describe them.
Because of gender stereotypes and accompanying differences in socialization, men may not be taught as many words for emotions. This not only means they have fewer words for their emotions, but it also suggests that women’s descriptions of emotions may seem overly complex to men. The stereotypical ‘overly emotional woman with the stoic man’ is not so much because of a difference in the depth of emotion. It’s more of a byproduct of differences in socialization regarding expression. On top of that, when young boys do have more words for their emotions, they learn from their peers not to express them. So even when men do have an emotional vocabulary, they have likely learned not to use it.
As society becomes more aware of the importance of emotional expression for physical and mental health, things are changing. More attention is being paid toward communication skills: helping little boys and girls learn how to talk about what they are feeling. But gender stereotyping still exists: Boys grow to be strong men, girls to become the nurturers. Boys don’t cry; girls do. There are so many implicit gender stereotypical statements that we use them without even realizing the inherent implications.
Tracey and Sam grew up in a generation when gender differences and expectations were more rigid than they are today. And Sam’s more passive expression of emotion was difficult for Tracey to understand. Meanwhile, Tracey’s breadth of words to describe her emotions overwhelmed Sam. Sometimes her descriptions made him withdraw, causing more conflict.
It was a long road for them as they worked to respect and accept the fact that they expressed their feelings differently.
Listening Versus Hearing
Eventually, Tracey and Sam learned how to hear each other. Listening and hearing is not the same thing. When it comes to communication skills, listening to someone isn’t enough: we must hear them. This means we must listen with openness and receptivity, with an understanding that we all express ourselves differently. The words love or sadness or hurt can mean different things to different people. Hearing means understanding what that word means to someone else, while also appreciating that the demonstration of the feeling is not always the same.
Regardless of gender differences in self-expression, learning to hear someone else always results in better communication.
Editor’s note: Tracey and Sam’s names were changed to protect their anonymity.
