Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” In this wise and pithy quote, Gandhi corrects one of the largest misconceptions about forgiveness: if we forgive, we’re weak, and we’re allowing someone to get away with hurting or mistreating us. Nothing could be further from the truth.
When someone wrongs us, it’s normal to be hurt, angry, even enraged. Fantasies of retaliation may also surface. The problem is, when we hold onto anger, we build bitterness and resentment. This can affect our mental and physical health.
Author Anne Lamott astutely writes, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” We think we’re getting back at someone by holding onto the anger and not forgiving them. However, we’re really just hurting ourselves.
Identifying Resentments
If you find yourself rehashing a negative experience — talking with people about it, having ruminative thoughts, feeling depressed, or having revenge fantasies — this may be an indication that you’re still holding onto resentment.
Wishing pain on someone else may feel good in the moment, and letting go may seem counter-intuitive. However, when you keep going over a wrongdoing in your mind, you’re holding onto toxic emotions that affect your health. This is particularly detrimental as we get older: anger and resentment causes stress, raises blood pressure, and can cause disturbances in appetite and sleep.
Stanley’s Story
Let’s take Stanley, for example. Stanley, a 60-year old man, came to see me for therapy following a bitter divorce. His ex-wife had been having an affair with his friend. Of course, he was furious.
Months into treatment, Stanley grew vengeful. He became consumed with fantasies of getting back at her for hurting him. He was unable to focus on his own mental health or on rebuilding his life, because he couldn’t let go of his angry emotions. Not only was his mood affected — he had bouts of depression and severe agitation — his physical health began to decline. His blood pressure soared, and his blood work showed he was pre-diabetic.
Letting Go Of Resentments
Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. It feels like an emotional contradiction: If I let go, they get away with it. Unfortunately, the injury has already occurred and nothing can undo it. The only thing that can be done is to let go of the harmful emotions associated with what happened. This is something we have control over.
For example, Stanley could not control what happened to him — his wife’s betrayal. It was very hard for him to accept. I certainly understood why he had trouble letting go. But I started to fear he might give himself a heart attack. Fortunately, Stanley’s primary care physician stepped in. Stanley came in and said, “The doctor said the stress is making me sick. What can we do?” I was relieved. We were finally able to work on Stanley’s process of letting go.
Learning To Accept A Betrayal
The first part of letting go is acceptance. We have to accept what has happened, and mourn the loss. Stanley had lost his marriage and his pride, and he felt rejected. Not an easy mix of emotions for anyone to deal with.
However, once acceptance is there, we can release the toxic emotions by shifting our perspective. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person; it’s about doing what’s good for us. We must remind ourselves of this over and over until we accept it, making the viewpoint automatic and natural.
Learning Empathy And Practicing Self-Care
One way to do this effectively (though, yes, this is extremely difficult), is by practicing empathy. Try to understand why someone may have done the wrongdoing. This does not mean you excuse the behavior; it means you attempt to understand it.
In Stanley’s case, he exhibited some empathy when he admitted that the marriage had been failing for a while. His acceptance (and a bit of empathy) made it possible for him to let go, and to release his anger and bitterness. He was finally able to focus on what he could control: rebuilding his own life.
This step includes self-care. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, diet, vacation, or spending more time with family and friends, self-care is vital for re-building our lives. The more we take care of our physical and emotional well-being, the better we feel. And when we feel better, we’re less likely to be affected by people who have hurt us.
Forgiving Isn’t Forgetting
When we forgive someone, it doesn’t mean we forget what was done. Again, the process of forgiveness recognizes that a wrong has been done, but that we’re not going to keep reliving the pain by continuing to hold onto toxic emotions. Instead, we’re letting go of all the negative feelings. And the more we can let go of negative feelings, the better we live, physically and emotionally.
Editor’s note: Stanley’s name was changed to protect his anonymity.
