Divorce. It’s a painful, raw, personal decision. And a roller coaster ride for many families. The dissolution of a marriage is no cakewalk, and it can be especially trying to watch a loved one, such as your son or daughter (and by extension, your grandchildren), suffer.
Coping with an adult child’s divorce is a tricky quagmire. It can often lead us into doing or saying the the wrong thing, even though we mean well.
“A lot of parents struggle with their child getting a divorce, especially if they have strong emotions towards their son or daughter-in-law,” says psychologist Dr. Paul Murdock. “It’s often very difficult to balance our emotions with wisdom and patience.”
If your child is in the midst of an emotionally taxing divorce, take note of some common pitfalls, and consider your position carefully ahead of weighing in.
Maintain Your Composure
When an adult child makes the difficult decision to end their marriage, it can be devastating. But, according to Dr. Murdock, your emotions need to take a back seat.
“Be a mentor and less of a parent,” he suggests. “Let your child come to you for advice and counsel, but allow them to make independent decisions, including those that may appear to be full of failure, or mistakes.
“Encouraging independence can prevent an adult child from becoming too emotionally or financially dependent on you, and others, in the future.”
Remember, Your Child Isn’t a Baby
It’s tempting to want to swoop in and clean up the mess that comes with a crumbling marriage, but your child is an adult and should be treated like one.
“It’s natural to want to help an adult child going through a divorce, but what you don’t want to do is come in and take over,” says Dr. Karen Sherman, a New York-based psychologist who specializes in relationships.
“Encourage your child to get out, to mingle with friends and seek new experiences,” Sherman adds. “Support the idea that this is a tough time, but that they will get through it.”
Enabling your son or daughter — for example, by allowing them to stay with you indefinitely, or getting involved in divorce proceedings and joint custody agreements on their behalf — can be disastrous in the long run. After all, you want your child to find their feet and move on, rather than depend on his or her parents forever.
Avoid Alienating the Ex
While it’s important to offer your child the emotional support they need, you can make matters worse by intentionally (or unintentionally) alienating their ex-husband or ex-wife, especially when children are involved.
“The parents of a child that’s divorcing, shouldn’t bad-mouth the ex and stir the pot,” says Dr. Sherman. “This kind of behavior only makes the already-difficult process of the divorce even harder.”
And what if they end up reconciling? Your child may always remember the nasty things you said about their spouse. It’s always best to take the high road.
Consider Your Grandkids
It’s easy to become consumed by the needs of a grieving son or daughter, but don’t forget about needs of the most vulnerable people in this situation: the children.
Listen to their fears and concerns, and reassure them that they are loved by both parents and that the dissolution of the relationship isn’t their fault. It will, of course, take time for the children to adjust to their new reality.
Give Yourself Time as Well
You may also be grieving, especially if you care deeply for your son- or daughter-in law. Remember, the better you take care of yourself, the more you’ll be able to be there for your family when they need you.
